As you may or may not know there are three major fears that stop us from fulfilling our dreams and goals. The three are the fear of abandonment, the fear of being different, and the fear of being alone. We all have them to a certain degree and we all suffer from having them. The fears ebb and flow like many feelings.
It finally dawned on me this morning what I fear during this pandemic. It hit me yesterday and kept me awake for most of the night. I am afraid of dying alone. Alone. That is the key word. I am not afraid of dying per se, I have always just thought that I would die surrounded by my loved ones. I would have brittle bones and white grey hair. My great grandchildren would be there. In my head I always thought that I would die of old age, peacefully, and with a room filled with love.
This pandemic. This covid 19. This coronavirus. This "thing" had be almost paralyzed for all of yesterday. Sure I got things done and even counselled someone else through a situational crisis. I couldn't get out of mine. All night I had nightmares of machines blaring and people around me running and shouting. At least I assumed they were people behind all the protective gear they need to wear in covid 19 units. You've seen them, you can't even see their eyes through the glare of the face shield. You can't even see how scared they are trying to save all these lives.
I dreamed about my sister driving a bus to get essential workers to work. She has asthma and I worry. I worry too about my sister in law who crosses from Canada to the USA every day to be the amazing nurse that she is. Yesterday the news showed a protest about the virus. It was a bunch of Trump supporting people who are tried of staying home. They want to get back to work. They want to be able to get their hair done. They are tired of self isolating. They think all of this is tyrannical. They don't think actually.
I want this all to end too but I also don't want to die alone and I don't want any of my friends or family to have to endure that torture either.
I went to sleep scared but somehow I sorted that out and I am ready and able again. Sure, I am raw, but I am ready. I will hug all of you when this is done. Tightly. I love you.