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Judgey McJudgerson

That's me. As the Province I live in begins to restart the economy and social interaction I find that I am a tad bit nervous. Almost all my loved ones are essential service workers or are still working because a part of the economy never stopped. I work in the health care field myself. I'm inching upwards of 60 years old. To be frank, I do not want anyone I know to get this.

We believe my youngest son had covid 19 in late December/early January. That man was ill. When his brother (the middle son) and I went to deliver soup, juice, and various medicinals my baby boy (I am going to call him that forever) looked like Death. His eyes were dark and circled in sort of an orange-ish colour. Hunched over because he was having trouble catching his breath. My boy's lungs were working hard to keep him oxygenated. His cough was bad. He wouldn't let us in and he said he was going to take a nap and call me when he woke up. I got a call 18 hours later. He was just waking up. He woke up, and now in hindsight, am I feeling blessed.

So, having seen that, and imagining that it was covid 19. Imagining that it was covid 19 consuming a perfectly healthy 25 year old I am wary of returning to "normal" or heading towards a "new normal" too quickly.

Last week, our government announced that we would be moving towards Level 1. Small gatherings will be allowed. I'm not sure I am there yet. When I opened my social media this morning and I saw photos of EXTREMELY happy people with their smiles so big, with all their teeth, all I could think was "Where are your masks?".

Judgey McJudgerson, that's me and I think I it's okay in this instance. It's deciding where MY line in the sand is. How close will *i* get to my friends and family? How many at a time? My living room is small and my tv room even smaller. How many people can we fit 2 metres apart? I want them all here. All my friends. All my family. I am a mom of 3 beautiful men who make me so proud. The mother in law of an intelligent and loving daughter in law (she's pretty too). I am the Mimi (grandmother) to the most amazing, smartest, most handsome little boy. Oh. Em. Gee, as my mother would have said. He makes the heart squeeze, that's for sure. I want to see them so badly. I want to fly or drive or walk across the Rockies to see my beautiful baby boy. Okay, little boy grandson. He's not quite a baby anymore. More a toddler and he is growing so fast. I have an adopted daughter from Iran and I would love to see her bubbly extremely gorgeous self soon too.

It's Mother's Day and more than anything I would love to see them all. Right now, at this moment, my line has been drawn. To keep my babies and myself and my incredibly sexy husband safe and healthy I tend to my plants and my furbabies and my husband and I do my job. That's it. That's all. For now.

That tiny thread of fear entangled in my thinking self is comfortable now. It's even useful at the moment. I hope it eases soon. I want to see you. My heart aches to see you.

I'm just jealous of the happy smiling people. That's all.

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