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Fear is the path to the Dark Side


Yoda was right. Absolutely and completely.

Let me tell you about my fear. Usually, I am not a fearful person. Usually, I am a bold and courageous. Most times I will do the thing that other people don't want to do. That they fear. Except singing, that's a different story and one day I will tell that one too.

However, this one is about the center, the root, the vagina and the vulva and interestingly this story is about the mouth.

I'm not talking about any yoni. I am talking about my yoni. My precious yoni that I became very fearful about and that fear spread to everything I was, for two whole months.

Once upon a time there was a young girl. Let's call her Sparrow, or Tavi even. Yes, let's call this young one "Tavi". The first time we see this girl she is small, barely talking, but talking just the same. Whenever she was in trouble or hurt she would sit like a pile saying, "Whatever happened to poor Tavi?" She didn't understand what was happening in her world and she questioned it. I know this, because my Mama and my Grandma would often tell me this story. Often. I am not sure why except maybe they knew I'd be writing about it in 50 years. Haha. Good one ladies.

As far as I know, nothing untoward happened to my yoni as a child. Although I remember being in a park in Calgary with my boyfriend on I believe, my 16th birthday. He had taken a bus from Edmonton to see me. We went for a walk and found ourselves in a playground. There were old metal horse swings and OF COURSE I got on one to swing. For some reason, still unknown to me, my boyfriend stopped the swing with his foot and I slammed into the metal with my mound. It hurt so bad. I lay on the ground crying for some time. I remember that the whole area bruised blackish within two days.

I was raised in the LDS Church, Mormons for those that don't know. Self exploration was not condoned so I never really touched myself until much later in life. I never really knew what my vagina, vulva, and labia felt or looked like. No clue. I knew how it worked though and I knew how to use it. So much so that in my mid 20's I had four babies in the same number of years. Two of them fair sized twins. I was MASSIVE with the twins and I know now that my organs and body worked so hard in that 4 years. Parts shifted and even prolapsed. I didn't know and I lived my life like that for 30 years. What comes with that is sometimes a stress incontinence and it hit me when I was in my late 40's. Again, I didn't know what was going on and I didn't know that it could be repaired until I talked to the AMAZING FAMILY DOCTOR (He will be named like this through any writing and you will see why over and over) and he took a peek at my intimates and said, "I'm sending you to a urologist. Something is not right", and he did.

Long part of the story short is that I had surgery in the middle of June in the middle of a global pandemic in a large North American city. This surgery was to repair two prolapses and a surprise perineal repair. I was so excited that soon I would have some relief from some ugly side effects and that maybe after all these years I would get to learn to run.

Something happened though. I am not sure what but I got caught up in the pain and I didn't understand what I was feeling "down there". There was a lot of pain and one night it was so intense that I started to think I had "blown out" the surgery and it was all ruined and I would have to go through this all again and I was scared. That fear stuck with me. It was like glue and it held to me and it made it's way into my heart and into my head and I truly feared something had gone wrong.

Meanwhile, while I was going through this personal hell, my mouth began to hurt. So I started taking more pain medication and my mouth kept getting worse. I started using copious amounts of clove oil. It helped for awhile but soon I knew I would have to go see a dentist. I had been putting it off for a decade. Guess what? No wonder I hurt. I needed three root canals. I've never even had one. I had taken pretty darn good care of my teeth until the last ten years when I let it go. And let it go some more.

To add insult to injury, literally, I gained covid pounds.

Damn, I was feeling sorry for myself. A constant pity party all day all night.

Do you see what I see? Maybe? Maybe I wasn't taking care of myself. I wasn't putting my physical needs first. Maybe you aren't too. Maybe you aren't going to the dentist, or getting that mammogram, or putting off getting your bunions fixed. I don't know. Maybe?

This has been a long introduction to what I really want to talk to you about. There are some very important things I want to share with you. They are vital to living a good life. Next time.

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